With Me

Today God blessed me with a conversation with a friend from school. I have been crying out from a place of stress, angst, and heaviness. I've been crying out for relief. 2 things that came out of this conversation: 1) I procrastinate, and that's why I am feeling so stressed out. 2) Talking opens the door to relief because I can face and address issues I have.

This converstaion was wonderful because I saw how I struggle to be myself when I'm under pressure or feeling stress. And I do not want to live in those feelings anymore. God knows. Oh how He knows how crazy I feel and sad and wheighed down. That is why I feel so blessed that He would answer my cries. He does not want me to be in this place either. And in a way, I know He loves me enough to point out my flaws so He can in a sense rescue me from myself. I am causing harm to myself. But He loves me so much that He wants me to learn to come out of it.

That's why I feel so loved by God right now. He is present with me, He is my Everpresent Help. He is my source of teaching, understanding, and revelation and growth. Because He loves me, He answers me pleas, my cries, and gives me the tools to move forward and grow and change.

May this be testimony, in one small way, of the way God loves, speaks to, lives with and among and for an in the lives and days of His children. In very intricate, integrated ways that weave into our detailed issues. I love Him so much.

God, thank you for being so good and so faithful!! I love you!

Easter

I haven't written in a long time. I don't have a particular subject on my heart. I have no idea what to even write. But it's been too long. Where do I start?

One thing I'm thinking is that I have gotten so distracted. I have forgotten my priorities. That other things in life can be invested in. In love, they matter more. I feel like I was better at friendships last year. Today, I think God reminded me that there is SO much more in this life that I can look forward to. I think I have been seeing this limited image and framework of my life, being squeezed and alienated by stress. If only I didn't make school the most important and number one thing in my life, if I could put it in its right place in my life... not revolving myself around it--I'm frustrated at myself as I say this because I'm making it a bigger thing than it should be just in talking about it-- then I might be able to see more clearly other things that matter to me.

I don't regret going. I don't regret the things I've learned. I just regret falling out of touch with beautiful people. I don't want to lack cultivation into relationships. And I don't want to feel like things in life are more overwhelming or time consuming than they really are. All of this not to say that I am UNhappy with friendships. Because I'm not. And I recognize that I have been busy. Crazy busy... but when is that ever an excuse to not use what time I do have to make a phone call? Write a letter?

So, God refreshed my perspective to look at the bigger picture. To not worry. To see that He is at work. That He has plans for me that I know nothing about yet. To make me free-er in remembering that. But He's also motivating me to get my work done so I can get through. And I ask Him to carry me. That's our conversation these past 24 hours.

And I rejoice in His love for me as His beloved creation... whom he's covered in His robes of righteousness, His blood. And I rejoice in His great love and perfection, His beauty and thoughts of us. And I want to dance in His presence.

He shows me that one day we will party and dance like no one has ever danced or partied before--and that this will be in His presence, with Him! He tells me lately that I have worried too much and gone around too busilly in life. Sometimes I think he confirmed to me that I need to slow down. And I hesitate less, after remembering that encounter with Him, that He did in fact remind me to COME. I need Him.

I've been reading Irresistable Revolution, and I know this book messes people up. I am messed up...

How do I live in a way that is simple and loving? Unconsumption oriented? I almost don't think I can... it's like this fine verge of being awakened all the way-- I'm not sure if I am. But I want to be.

Anyway, I'd like to stop living for myself.

Thank you Jesus for rising again, as I remember you on this day set aside to recognize the miracle that is alive every day. Cover me in you, please. And may we lay ourselves down to thank you and receive you. To love you and worship you. And thank you that your grace pours down. And you comfort those you love! Who are many. Those that may say your name for the first time, to those who may take their first breath in a state of recognized brokeness because of receiving you for the first time, or renewedness. To those who worship you in longevity of known mercy. We love you. And we cry out for you. We thank you. And we need you.

Thank you for rising. And thank you for being our light that illuminates our paths. We can no longer see unless you light our lamps and illuminate our paths with the radiance of your words.